It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
