Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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