I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
