Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
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