I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
