Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Randomize