There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
