So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
