"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
