Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
