Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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