A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
