there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
