i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
