During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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