my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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