it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
