I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
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