The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize