Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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