he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
