That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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