Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
