Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
