After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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