you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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