I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
