also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
