i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
