I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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