Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
