So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
