It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
