I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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