i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Im part way to drunk.
I am available for nakedness
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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