if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize