Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
COCAINE IS GR8
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