she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
