Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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