Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
