weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
