Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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