in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
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