Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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