When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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