so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
