Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
