I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
