Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
