I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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