Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
