Your face is a jimmy john
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
