i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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