I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
